Sally Watson: A satire

The Consequential President

(Tune: Modern Major-General)
by Sally Watson

I am the very model of a consequential President;

I have a great charisma and a budget that is overspent.

I know two kings of England or perhaps it's South Rhodesia;

I always pick out agents with convenient amnesia.

I'm very well acquainted, too, with matters economical:

I promised to reduce the debt and now it's astronomical.

I name Supreme Court judges who detest the word "democracy";

My buddy Edwin Meese and I, we make a great autocracy.

 

I know the Russians have no words for peace or love or charity;

To make the rich yet richer is how I define prosperity.

But still in matters mythical, mistaken and irrelevant,

I am the very pattern of a consequential President.

 

At affable intransigence, no one can get the best of me;

I'm very good at dramatizing lines like, "Where's the rest of me?"

I know all systems to the left of Genghis Khan are sinister,

I'm very chummy with a certain feminine Prime Minister.

I know the Kremlin sends refuseniks out to frozen Syria.

And when Ghadaffi misbehaves we bomb him in Nigeria—

Or maybe it's Siberia? Liberia? Algeria?

Well, it doesn't really matter 'cos they're all of them inferia.

 

I tell sick jokes on Gorbachev at every opportunity,

Enabling me to wreck prospective peace threats with impunity;

But still in matters mythical, mistaken and irrelevant,

I am the very pattern of a consequential President.

 

In short, when I know what is meant by natural ecology;

When I can tell at sight my Star Wars theory from astrology;

When I can make a speech without a single silly platitude,

And when I strike an honest note instead of just an attitude;

When I can tell a statesman from a self-enriching criminal

Or yet support a policy whose worth is even minimal;

When I can back a foreign ruler quite without chicanery

And when I manage to create a presidential brainery;

 

When matters such as ozone and the Budget I'm more wary at,

You'd say a better President had never swung a lariat.

In short, in matters mythical, mistaken and irrelevant,

I am the very pattern of a consequential President.

 

This was written about President Reagan a few years back, but it seems to mostly fit the current President as well. Sally also has a version of Noel Coward's "The Stately Homes of England" called "The Powers of the White House", but I don't know the tune so I haven't typed it in yet.