Sally Watson: A satire

The Powers of the White House

 (to the tune of The Stately Homes of England)

 

Here you see the President: the greatest White House resident:

Favorite son who must succeed.

I know that there's a guy named Dole, and how to act a cowboy role:

Aside from that my education lacks coordination.

Although I'm old and tentative and quite unrepresentative:

Scion of a useless breed,

I am the dweller in that House serene and stately which only lately

Seems to have gone to seed.

 

The power of the White House is glorious and grand,

And proves the upper incomes have still the upper hand;

Though the fact that the budget's come unbuilt, and welfare is mortgaged to the hilt

Is inclined to take the gilt

Off the gingerbread, and certainly damps the fun

Of your Number One.

But still I won't be beaten; I'll pose and lie and grin.

I've starred with Buster Keaton and likewise Errol Flynn.

And though all welfare has to go and famine stalks the land,

I'll stand by the power of the White House.

 

Here you see the best of me: repeating "Where's the rest of me?"

Still with hubris I'm embued.

I still increase the nation's debts, and waste no time on vain regrets.

I'm always eager to dispose of rows and rows and rows of

Arms for the Iranians-or was it the Lithuanians?

(Forgotten little interlude)

Although I sometimes demonstrate incomprehension, my good intention

Mustn't be misconstrued.

 

The power of the White House I proudly represent,

Even though that power is recklessly mis-spent.

So I give authority piece by piece to mends who will help me murder peace:

It was used by Edwin Reese

Quite extensively, and also by Ollie North

When he sallied forth.

The State Department serves me, whatever I may try:

Money for the Contras or hostages to buy.

But still if the thing should fall apart, which I rather think it might

I'll fight for the power of the White House.

 

The power of the White House deserves another push.

I've got to keep it working for Quayle and dear old Bush;

Though the plan to sell arms to Iran burst, and the Russians make me fear the worst,

I could use another Hearst

And McCarthy too; and also a Genghis Khan

On the White House lawn. Some new deregulation is hard to obfuscate:

I need another nation for patriots to hate.

So to clobber Costa Rica and lay waste in Mozambique

I'll seek greater powers for the White House.

 

 

THE STATELY HOMES OF ENGLAND NOEL COWARD

Here you see the pair of us, the working class despair of us,

Eldest sons that must succeed.

We know that Caesar conquered Gaul and how to whack a cricket ball;

Apart from that our education lacks coordination.

Although we're young and tentative, and rather misrepresentative,

Scions of a noble breed,

We are the product of those homes serene and stately which only lately

Seem to have gone to seed.

 

The stately homes of England, how beautiful they stand

To prove the upper classes have still the upper hand;

Though the fact that they have to be rebuilt and frequently mortgaged to the hilt

Is inclined to take the guilt

Off the gingerbread, and certainly damps the fun

Of the older son.

But still we won't be beaten: we'll scrimp; and screw and save.

The playing fields of Eton have made us rightfully brave.

And though the Van Dyck had to go, and we've pawned the Beckstein Grand,

We'll stand for the stately homes of England.

 

Here you see the pick of us; you may be heartily sick of us;

Still with sense we're all embued.

We waste no time on vain regrets, and when we're forced to pay our debts

We're always able to dispose of rows and rows and rows of

Gainsboroughs and Lawrences, and sporting prints of Aunt Florences,

Some of which were rather rude,

Although we sometimes flaunt our family conventions, our good intentions

Mustn't be misconstrued.

 

The stately homes of England we proudly represent.

We only keep them up for Americans to rent;

Though the pipe supply in the bathroom burst and the lavatory makes you fear the worst,

It was used by Charles the First

Quite informally, and later by George the Fourth

On a journey north.

The State Department keeps their historical renown.

It's wiser not to sleep there, in case they tumble down;

But still if they ever catch on fire, which with any luck they might,

We'll fight for the stately homes of England.

This was written about President Reagan a few years back, but it seems to mostly fit the current President as well. Sally also has a version of Modern Major General.